Jesus sat down with twelve new apostles...

And Jesus said unto them, "Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity."

Barack: Can I accuse people of racism and threaten them with damnation, for not supporting me?

Al the Not-So-Sharp: Hey, wait a minute, you're taking over my hustle!

Jesse, who beareth a strange name for his father was not Jack: Tell me about it. Remember when I cried last November, when I was officially upstaged as the Messiah?

Nancy: It's not fair you're healing only select people. It should be equally distributed, even if it means poor quality for each person after it's divided. It won't apply to us, of course.

Harry of Reid: Lord, we should remind the crowd that they should obey the Romans and pay taxes happily, for after all, it's voluntary.

Ted, brother of John and Robert: My head hurts. Can I go swimming?

Chuck, called Schmuck: This is great. Part of the job is making up any new sins we want, right?

Lindsey the False Protector: Lord, the kingdom of heaven is nice to talk about, but we should worry about the Romans making their currency artificially cheap!

Arlen: It looked like a tough fight to get into the Sanhedrin, so I switched to you guys because it's easier to get into leadership.

George the Elder: Read my lips, Lord, I shall not sin against thee.

George the Younger: Hey, those Ten Commandments are just goddamn pieces of rock!

Orrin: You got that right. I preach righteousness and lawfulness only if and when they suit me.

And Jesus wept.

(I originally started this before Kennedy died. Even so, I can't say I give a damn. Being ill or dead does not earn him a free pass.)