Saturday, January 07, 2006

'Tis a little late, but here's "Santa Khomeini"

The Rev. Billy Graham will be remembered as a man who loved God and therefore traveled the world preaching Christ and God's love for man. Pat Robertson apparently can get his name in the news only for preaching his personal messages of hatred, disguised as warnings of "God's wrath." Robertson, remember, agreed with Jerry Falwell that gays, lesbians and other "Christ-haters" in New York "helped bring" the "wrath of God" in the form of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. This past November, Robertson warned a Pennsylvania town that, because they rejected teaching intelligent design in their public schools, they shouldn't bother turning to God if a disaster strikes them. What I think Robertson needs to do is read Matthew 7:1-5 and think hard on who really deserves God's wrath.

Most recently, in virtually the same breath that he professed to love Ariel Sharon as a friend, Robertson said that Sharon's stroke is punishment for "divid[ing] God's land." Politics makes strange bedfollows, and Robertson fits right in with Palestinian terrorist leader Ahmed Jibril, a who called the stroke "a gift from God," and also Iranian ultra-looney fanatic President Mahmoud "I give new meaning to Islamofascist" Ahmadinejad (who said after the stroke that he wished for Sharon's death).

Their unity reminds me of something my father clipped out of the newspaper many years ago. I had forgotten to make this an entry at Christmastime.
Santa Khomeini: A Jolly Old Elf
by John Farmer
Newshouse News Services
(Found in the Salt Lake Tribune, Thursday, December 25, 1986)

With the usual apologies to Clement Moore:

'Twas just before Christmas, the White House was dark.
Sandinistas, they feared, lurked in Lafayette Park.
Not a hall was bedecked with one bough of holly.
This was the year of the Iranian folly.
Where stockings once hung by the chimney with care.
Now Ollie North swung, by his thumbs and his hair.
In the basement Don Regan sat moaning his fate -
He'd left Wall Street's loot for a new Watergate.
Any job in D.C., they said, was a cinch.
Which shows what they know up at old Merrill Lynch.
Upstairs Ron in jammies and Nancy in snood.
Were in anything but a Christmasy mood.
"You blew it," she said. "How could you have done it?
"Just a little ol' arms deal, anybody could run it."
"I swear," said the prez, "I knew nothing about it.
"And I'll stick to that line, who could possibly doubt it?"
"But the polls," said Ms. Reagan, "they're going berserk.
"What you've got on your hands is another Dunkirk."
"Don't worry," said Ron, "you know that I'm smarter.
"Than to the suffer the rap - I'll blame Jimmy Carter."
So they both settled down for the long winter's night.
When a crash at the chimney caused a terrible fright.
They leapt up as one, to the fireplace dashed,
Where the president stared, then a quick smile flashed.
For there in the soot, with a bag and a beard,
Was a wizened old man whom millions revered.
"Not to worry," said Reagan, "our troubles are over.
"Look, Santa's here now, we'll all be in clover.
"He's even brought presents and much needed good cheer.
"And would you believe it, he's early this year."
"No, no," said Ms. Reagan, "don't be an old zany.
"That's not Santa, you see, it's Ayatollah Khomeini."
The Imam it was, who with both hands upraised,
Said, "Nothing's broken, I think, Allah be praised.
"Can you tell me," he asked, "is this D.C. or Dayton?
"All I know is I'm bound for the land of Great Satan."
"What brings you to town?" asked Reagan politely.
And Khomeini, with frown, spoke up forthrightly.
"I'm here to talk turkey, and I don't mean a meal.
"I mean I was had in that dirty arms deal."
"How so?" asked the prez. "We gave quid for quo.
"You got the guns and we got the dough."
"No, no," said Khomeini, "I'm due damages treble.
"My money has gone to some Nicaraguan rebel.
"That wasn't the deal, it's a CIA scam,
"And now in Iran I'm in a hell of a jam."
But Reagan, now irked, gave Khomeini a glare.
The deal never worked, he said in despair.
"It sounded all right to North and Poindexter,
"But that kind of thing, why, Congress rejects, sir.
"This town has gone crazy, it couldn't be meaner.
"For each of my guys there's a committee subpoena.
"You think you got troubles?" he went on with a roar,
When a commotion occurred at the Oval Office door.
And there at the entrance stood the White House loose cannon:
Ayatollah Khomeini, meet Patrick Buchanan.
"Welcome!" roared Patrick, and Khomeini took fright.
"It's a pleasure to greet the Religious Right.
"You're my kind of guy, you're stern and devout.
"And, boy, have you guys got political clout.
"I can see that you're with us, just by your demeanor.
"But, hey, couldn't you keep yourself a bit cleaner?"
The prez intervened to ease his guest's terror,
But Buchanan persisted, admitting no error.
"We won't rest," he went on, " 'til we find and harass.
"Every Republican doubter who fled to high grass."
But Khomeini just beamed, eyed Pat with esteem.
"Spoken," he said, "like one of my team."
To Reagan he added, "He's a little erratic.
"But he fills every chief's need for one good staff fanatic."

So together they searched for some damage control.
A way out for each with a credible role.
They had to concoct some way to explain.
That awful arms deal that had caused them such pain.
And just when it seemed they were lost in the soup.
The ayatollah suggested a way to recoup.
"What harm is involved," he said, in reflection,
"If the deal never gets any closer inspection?
"Keep it all quiet, if you get my drift,
"Have everyone called plead his right to the Fifth.
"For my part, I promise the word will be mum.
"To entreaties for news I'll be deaf, I'll be dumb.
"If the mullahs make trouble with questions intensive,
"I'll distract them all with a Christmas offensive."
So saying, the Imam, up the chimney he rose,
First the top of his head, then the tips of his toes.
As he soared out of sight on his old prayer rug,
He drew from a bottle a deep chug-a-lug.
"I don't drink a whole lot," he said with a smile.
"But I make an exception every once in a while.
"And here's to the New Year, and better relations.
"To weapons for me, and for you, California vacations.
"So Merry Christmas to all this devotional night.
"And remember the Fifth - it's your Constitutional right."


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