Sunday, December 25, 2005

In the holiday spirit: Star Trek Christmas carols

My favorites, authors unknown, collected from the Internet since 1994. If you know who wrote them, please let me know so I can give proper credit.

First, Worf's version of "White Christmas":
I'm dreaming of a dead Pakled
Just like the one in Rec Deck Eight
They all think they've hidden
But this one didn't
And I'm using him as bait

I'm dreaming of a dead Pakled
Their mental skills are rather lame
May your foes die sonless, in shame
And I hope you're wishing me the same!
Next, he sings "The Klingon Christmas Song":
Phasers flashing in the depths of space
Ripping up an airtight hull
Signs of fear on your enemy's face
And life-support signs reading null

Ev'rybody knows a Romulan's a spineless foe
Who lacks the Klingon will to fight
Phaser beams set his torso aglow
He'll find it hard to breathe tonight

He knows that Worf is on his way
And soon he'll demonstrate for us the verb "to slay"
And ev'ry slinking Rom and Pakled spy
Will soon become the subject of the verb "to die"

And so I'm offering this simple threat
To Roms, and all Ferengi, too
You'll be as dead as a life-form can get
Merry Christmas to you!
Then the Bajorans get into the holiday spirit with their own "Festival of Gratitude":
Ye merry folk of Bajor
May the Prophets guide your way
This Festival of Gratitude
Will only last a day
So join us by the fire for some
Redemption-scroll flambe'

O tidings of Peldor Joi, Peldor Joi
O tidings of Peldor Joi

The liturgy that starts things off
Is less than ten words long
They're all in Old Bajoran, and
They always say them wrong
Then burn a piece of paper in
A complicated bong

O tidings of Peldor Joi, Peldor Joi
O tidings of Peldor Joi

So go and find a friendly fire
To tell your troubles to
(With all the troubles in it
It's no wonder that it's blue)
Then drink until you can't tell
"Peldor Joi" from "Jolan Tru"

O tidings of Peldor Joi, Jolan Tru
O tidings of Peldor Joi.
Data then is his usual verbose self:
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way!
Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh!
Or so I am reliably informed, lacking a subjective and intuitively perceived reference for the term "fun," I am able only to report the phenomenon as experienced by others, whose individual perceptions somewhat color the -- yes, sir.
We saw in the TNG episode "Allegiance" (Picard is kidnapped and replaced with a mostly convincing double, but the double gave himself away with little things like a strange pass at Beverly Crusher) that Patrick Stewart has a pretty good singing voice:
Oh, the vacuum outside is endless
Unforgiving, cold, and friendless
But still we must boldly go
Make it so, make it so, make it so!
The pre-"Nemesis" Will Riker lamented:
Here's a vexing Christmas riddle
Fa la la la la la la la la
Why must I play second fiddle?
Fa la la la la la la la la
How can I impress Deanna
Fa la la la la la la la la
When I'm number two banana?
Fa la la la la la la la la
Finally, not a Christmas carol, but a great parody:
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;
The phasers were hung in the arm'ry securely,
In hope that no aliens would get up that early.

The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks --
Except for the few who were partying drunks;
And Picard in his nightshirt, and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down for a neat face to face...

When out in the halls there arose such a racket,
That we lept from our beds pulling on pants and a jacket.
Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly, "Deck One!"

The bridge Red-Alert lights, which flashed throught the din,
Gave a luster of Hades to objects within.
When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh, and some geek who looked old.

But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,
That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.
His sleigh grew much larger the closer he came,
Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name;

"It's Riker! It's Data! It's Worf and Jean-Luc!
"It's Geordi! And Wesley, the wonderboy fluke!
"To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
"Now float away, float away, float away all!"

As leaves in the autumn are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from out feet,
And up to the ceiling our bodies they flew,
Then the captain called out, "What the hell is this, Q!"

The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.
As we took in our plight and were looking around,
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.

Then Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
Appeared once again to continue the show.
"That's enough!" cried Picard, "You will stop this at once!"
And Riker said, "Worf! Take your aim at this dunce!"
"I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc," replied Q.
"I just wanted to spend Christmas with you."

As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
He dumped out the contents and took a step back.
"I've brought gifts," said he, "to show I'm sincere.
"There's something delightful for everyone here."
He sat on the floor and dug into the pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile.

"For Counselor Troi, there's no need to explain,
"Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
"For Worf, I've got mints as his breath's not too great,
"And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date.

"For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus;
"For Data, a joke book; for Riker, a truss.
"For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,
"And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of seeing her that way."

Then he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face,
And clapping his hands, disappeared into space.
But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"


Anonymous Quincy said...

Perry -

That's a great collection!!!

Merry Christmas!

Sunday, December 25, 2005 2:44:00 PM  

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